The Kimberly Presidential Kampaign
The Old Shouldn’t Represent The Young:
Over 76% of the Population of the USA is under 21. That’s a lot of people. Yet America is consistently represented by a small group of elderly elite that didn’t even have television or running water when they were in high school!
Think about it: do your grandparents understand what’s going on in your life? Do they realize what you have to deal with on a daily basis? Of course they don’t! Would you let your grandparents run your life? Never in a million years!
We still love them, of course, but they can’t possibly get what’s going on. They’re more worried about medicare, and wrinkles, and death—they probably don’t even remember what it was like to be a kid. And if your own grandparents can’t help you, then how can grandma or grandpa President over in Washington D.C. possibly help you?
That means that over 8 out of 10 people in this country aren’t getting a voice. The people who make all the decisions and spend all your money don’t care about things like bullying, or evil-ass teachers, or being afraid to go to school. They just make empty promises to keep our parents happy, like longer school years, more homework, and “no child left behind.”
The Guys At the Top Suck:
This is a point so obvious it doesn’t even need argued. The people who are running this country totally suck. They just suck. They don’t care about the country. They don’t care about the environment. (search fracking). And they don’t care about you.
Out With The Old, In With The New:
In conclusion, when you elect Kimberly King (A Voice for the Youth; Future Queen of Everything; 6-star General USMC) you’re electing a new wave of change and possibility for the future.
Kimberly promises to do the following upon her ascent to the Oval Office:
- To personally dump every old rich white guy over the Canadian border, and then build a wall so they can never make it back.
- To elect a totally new, exciting ruling government. No one over 25 is allowed to hold office.
- All public office will go first to the members of the KKKK, then to all the Friends of the Konquest Klub. (This means *you*.)
- All media control will be handed over to Kimberly’s most loyal Youtube stars—the ones who repped her on their channels.
- The entire school system will be destroyed and rebuilt from the ground up. (Or possibly just left destroyed.)
- Anyone convicted of Bullying will be sentenced to immediate participation in the Hunger Games (which will take place in the Thunder Dome).
- All animals will be liberated from their places of enslavement (the so-called “zoos”) and given reparations.
- The class system enforced by the fashion world will be abolished. Everyone will have access to Chanel and Jimmy Choo, and no longer forced to wear the cheap clothes of our oppression.
- Racism (and all the other bad -isms) will be abolished through an aggressive campaign of new ideas, magic, and paint ball guns.
- All those who violate the “generous, safe, and, fair” “guidelines” of Kimberly’s administration will be “encouraged” (why do you keep putting quotes Franky?!) to become Slop Boys.
These are the main points that the Kimberly Platform wants to convey. Further details to be revealed in the coming weeks.
Join the Friends of the Konquest Klub! There’s still time to be appointed Governor or Mayor when Kimberly takes over—but the tickets are selling fast! Join now to reserve your spot!
Meanwhile, Kimberly plans to begin her Kampaign trail. Stay tuned for updates! Maybe she’ll be coming to your town!
Remember, now that Trump has officially been nominated, a high school girl with purple hair, a sworn belief in magic, and zero political experience is no longer the crazy choice.”
Article by Franklin Stine (with special guest contributions from the Kimberly Kampaign)